I have an issue.

I'm afraid to make a move on someone that I have developed feelings for because I'm afraid to ruin my friendship and I'm afraid to get involved in something big.

Wha?

Does this mean that I finally realize what it means and how important it is to care about someone? Does this mean that I'm still afraid of past events haunting me and me making stupid mistakes again and again?

Oi.

I haven't updated in ages. I haven't had reason/time to do so.

For that, I "apologize" and regret to inform everyone that nothing really has happened in my life.  I've had some ups and downs.

Being an RA is fun, exciting, and has it's moments of SUCK. Like sending a kid to the hospital with a .36 BAC and being almost comatose and puking on my favorite Alkaline Trio shirt. It hurts.  But I get the reward of making friends with some amazing people and getting the chance to pick the brains of people who are so different than me and I get to help people who are trying to make the transition to college/have an exciting career at college do so.

Classes suck, but it wouldn't be college if they did not suck.

Woo fun.

Uhm. I've been gone a while. It's been a nice vacation. Been working on my whole being an RA and having my room and board paid for by yelling at kiddies for doing bad things. I didn't realize people were so dumb at times.

This job, this dorm, the people I meet. They all make me ponder the importance and the significance of everything that we are and everything that we strive to accomplish. I know people who drop $60+ on a pair of pants and say it's cheap. I buy pants for as cheap as I can get. I wear tshirts cause they are cheap.

Doh.

I think we've all been preconditioned by that so called American Dream that tells us we can be anything we want to be and that we can all have our rags to riches story. Can we? No, we can't all have that story. It's that simple. Life is not fair. I don't know what else to say on that...

...But anywho, we are preconditioned that the ideal life is a big house with lots of money and a beautiful spouse, a hummer in the garage, all these fun things. But does that make an ideal life? Does it make us happy?

lolz, I will never know. I'm a lowly geography major who'se going to study global climates for the rest of his life...

Today I decided that I despise you for everything.

For taking my heart and then breaking it.

For being everything and nothing.

For saving me and destroying me.

For loving me and making me feel it.

For making it all fell fake.

For making me think that I'm ok.

Thanks.

I've been here for a week now.

It's strange in a way.

I love being back, but it's really different on this end of campus. It's nice and all, but I need to find the rest of the people I know...

Max Bemis is so cuddly and special.

Mhhmm...

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?vid=76372

It's odd. I think at least.

I have feelings for her, can't do anything about them, and I know she has "feelings" about me, she can't do anything about them.

Part of it, I think, is that I live here in East Lansing. She lives at home. In Belleville.

Life hates me.

I'm destined to be single. That's all there is too it.

Rachel and I went to Sears today.

AND WE DIDN'T SEE YOU JUSTIN!! But we did see a kid in pink pants which made us both smile.

It's been a long few weeks. A very long few weeks...

The fourth of July almost had me quitting work on the spot. It was hell. I watched a guy blow his eyeball out with a firework.  I had a 10 hour run on the back of a trash truck on the fifth. 38 hours in 48 hours. That is almost a weeks worth in two days. Stupid...

I'm excited to be moving out finally here in less than a month. Fall semester is going to cost half of what I thought it would now that I'm a resident mentor. Plus I'm going to meet some cool people, do some cool things, and hopefully be a positive influence on people.

I purchased the new Alkaline Trio album (on "blood and soul red" vinyl) and it's alright. I can't be picky with him anymore though, he got married. Of course he's not going to write songs about murdering families anymore, he's kinda starting one.

Hmmmm...

"Run for cover as fast as you can"

So here's how it goes.

I can't seem to feel comfortable at home any longer. I feel like I've been alienated from most people that I used to be close with, partially my fault, but mostly because of the fact I only live here in Belleville 3 months of the year.

It's so strange and I don't know what to think of this. Bah.

Listen up you stupid freshly graduated idiots (thats not saying all of you 08 grads are idiots). How many times do I have to say this?

Posting pictures of  you smoking the mary-jane and drinking when your under age and allowing EVERYONE to see the pictures on facebook IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!

Especially since just about everyone at/from Belleville is friends with Mr. S.

It might be the lack of doing anything but working, but I've started feeling that bit of existentialism burst its way through once again.

I still contemplate why I put myself into positions to get hurt. I don't know why I try and date the girl who hurt me once before, and is almost nothing like the girl I see myself with in the future. It's like I want to get hurt because it lets me know I'm still the same person I was before hand. I don't know why I want to be with her, but at the same time am annoyed by every facet of her personality. I'm not the kind of girl whose supposed to, or is usually attracted too, the girl who goes tanning all the time, the girl who cares more about her reputation than she does herself, and puts herself into the most awkward and exposing situations in order to improve their standing among the other Bourgeois members of society.

I'm strangely attracted to it though. I think it's the prospect that love and the idea of happiness may come from it, and these days I'm willing to hurt myself for that little bit of happiness.  I've never been more sure of who I am, but at the same time that leads me to be more unsure of who I am.

This all leads me to ponder the idea that maybe we live and breath for nothing more than to feel or get that sense that we belong to something or someone greater than ourselves. Do we struggle for a feeling that makes us feel like we are worth something because we can't feel a worth of ourselves that is strong enough that we don't need that?

This is probably why people take LSD.

I don't know what it is about the fact that the lead vocalist/guitarist for one of my favorite bands decided to make a solo project so many years ago that I find so intoxicating and amazing.

Dallas Green. Shit son.

I don't care if you don't now who he is, you listen to the blackest of black metal, you love rap, or you worship Axl Rose and you think "Chinese Democracy" is only a few months away.

Go buy City and Colour's new album "Bring Me Your Love" and listen to it. If you don't own "Sometimes" go and get it too.

Listen.

DO IT.

Seriously.

HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE??

posting pictures on a public profile on facebook of you lighting up a bong, playing beer pong, and smoking some blunts is NOT a smart idea. Especially being a minor. I've said it before. Just dont be doing this you dumbfuck!

"LOOK AT ME! I'M SMOKING A BONG!! LOLZ!! I'MMA GONNA POST THIS ON FACEBOOK SO THAT EVERYONE CAN SEE ME LIGHTING UP! EVEN ALL THE TEACHERS THAT HAVE FACEBOOKS!! HAHA!!"

god fucking damn you people.

You aggravate me.

Well, he's been released again today, and I'm back where I started.  Looking over old notes, listening to tapes, wondering how bad I potentially messed up this time.  The wounds seem to be healing, and he seems to be getting along without his appendages, and I know he seems fine,
But 'seems' can be a very dangerous word, especially in this business, it can be fatal.

Yeah. I feel so lost in the business that is Belleville. Everyone that I graduated with seems to be caught up in their own things. I don't connect with the people I spend the summer with last year. I'd rather not speak to some of my old friends after the things they've become. A year away and they seem like totally different people. Maybe its the drugs, the sex, the mommy-daddy complex that keeps chipping away at who they were.


[Patient:]
The lines around my wrists, the infection seems to be getting better.
It's in the center of my torso, behind my eyes and in the back of my head.
Something is eating me alive from the inside out.

[Doctor:]
Well that's grief of your loss.

[Patient:]
Don't tell me what it is.

ATTN: World

Matt Good is NOT the new singer to From First To Last.

He was there before Sonny got there.

That is all.

I know how to lower gas prices:























Don't buy a vehicle with bad gas mileage. Don't buy a diesel.

You are the reason that I lay my head down at night and think of the millions of reasons that I despise myself and wish things were a million times different. You're the reason I wish that I wasn't myself sometimes.

Hooray for boredom and rough drafts of opinions papers!   

    Elitism. The idea that someone believes that they are better than someone else based simply on the notion that they have more wealth, knowledge, prominence, or are otherwise in a better position than others on any subject. Never before has there been a more sensitive subject in a Presidential campaign than that of whether a candidate today is "elitist" in their point of view.
    In the first 150 years of this nation's history, no television existed. Presidential candidates did not have debates with millions of viewers. They did not have campaigns that spent millions of dollars a month and they did not treat each state as a "battleground" as if some life or death struggle between to massive forces was taking place between the candidates. Our nation was free of the idea of "elitism" and the repercussions that seem to come with it these days. The populace elected the president and other officials based on what they had read in the papers, or by what they had heard from the incumbent.
    With a nation that has fewer than 10% of its adult population reading more than 1 book per year and less than 40% reading a news paper at least once a week in 2006, it is only expected that the majority of the news and information we receive comes from others on television. On television, the news enters the world of the ratings system. Most of the national news from CNN, Fox, and MSNBC is filtered through hosts and biased or rather opinionated minds. Information about a presidential candidates policies on economy come through a host who then inputs his opinions on rather they are right or wrong and whether we should vote for said candidate.
    The problem is that the average American does not have a degree in economic policies or truly understand the global economy. Almost no one in the world actually does.  Because of our collective lack of knowledge, we then listen and interpret the opinions of the talking heads. We listen to them tell us not to vote for Candidate A because they don't have a good understanding of foreign policy based on the fact that they voted for a failing war. We are told that Candidate B is better (or worse) because they stand by their votes in previous offices. We are told by the pundits not to vote for the "elitist" either. Which is where we come full circle.
    Based on the earlier defined definition of "elitism," the pundits who accuse candidates of being "elitists" are themselves "elitists." They assume that we, Average Joe don't understand the true nature of this election, and that we don't understand that an African American must vote for Barack Obama, therefor he will win state A, but this northern state is more white, therefor Hillary Clinton will win state B. We Joe's don't understand the numbers on the fancy touch screens or the numbers at the bottom of the screen. Fortunately for us, our "elitist" media does.